I Fear Being a Mom

This is one of the few times that I’m going to come out fully and be open, vulnerable and honest. Firstly, I’m not pregnant. So calm down. Heck, I’m still sorta-kinda celibate.

Everyone gets to a certain age where they feel like if they would fall pregnant, they’d happily bring that little life into the world. At 26, I’m going through an array of emotions when it comes to such things. I don’t fear actually falling pregnant. Cause God knows making babies is a wonderful feeling😏.

I fear all of the responsibilities that come with bringing a child into the world. Nappies, feeding them, taking care of them, teaching them manners. You’re basically grooming a person and preparing them for life. The child doesn’t go away. Ever. They are always there!! All the time! No matter where you want to go, no matter what you want to do! I’m sorry if I’m coming across as narcissistic but I iterate, I said I’d be honest.

Another thing I fear is raising a child alone. I am the product of a single parent. Even if my father would have lived long enough to see me at this age, he wouldn’t have been present in my life…that I know for a fact. With men just being allergic to responsibility and feeling no sense of remorse in leaving their child to be raised by the female, I can’t lie and say that that situation is something I’d be able to thrive in. I know I may sound like a coward but again, HONESTY.

We can’t act blind to the fact that these are violent times we live in. Girls are kidnapped, used as prostitutes, killed and raped. The human trafficking, the abuse. Its such a lot to deal with and to be frank, I wouldn’t want to bring a child into such a world. I know I’ll never be fully able to protect them from the realities of the world. God forbid anything happen to them, what do I do? My heart is breaking right now and I don’t even have a child because the mere thought of bringing a life into the world and having such gruesome acts happen to them would be too much to handle.

Personally, my uterine health makes me worry about the future. If you’ve read “Go See a Gynaecologist”, you’ll know that I’ve had a stint with cervical cancer in the previous year. Once you have cancer, the likelihood of it coming back more aggressive is quiet high. That is the reality I live with. That one day, I’ll be told that the cancer has come back and I’d have to remove my entire uterus. No womb, no baby. I’m scared that my then partner and I will sit there and try to process the fact that I will never be able to carry my own children.

What if my son or daughter decides to be gay or lesbian and one day he or she is walking in a dark street and is attacked and killed by a bunch of homophobic people? How then will I cope? How will I deal with losing the fruit of my womb?

These are all my fears at 26. Maybe at 36 I’ll be brave enough to pop out a cute little mini-me. At the same time I feel like the world we live in will get worse so maybe I’ll never be brave enough to have children. Who knows?

I hope you got to see a whole other side of me while reading this. I am a strong, young woman but I am not scared to open up about the things I fear.

Kudos to all the mothers out there. You are brave. ❤️

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